Coming Home to Yourself: Healing Shame and Breaking Free from Emotional Cycles

Understanding the Shame Cycle & Drama Triangle in Relationships and Recovery

Why This Matters – Especially in India

Across India today, millions silently live with emotional pain—whether it shows up as depression, anxiety, addiction, people-pleasing, personality problems or mood swings. Underneath these symptoms, there's often a deeper wound: shame.

And yet, we rarely talk about it.

In many Indian families, seeking therapy or talking about mental health is misunderstood—as if asking for help is a sign of weakness, selfishness, or disloyalty. But what if our pain isn’t a personal failure—but a survival strategy we learned long ago?

This post gently unpacks two powerful frameworks that help us name and unlearn the patterns of shame we may have been carrying since childhood: The Shame Continuum and The Drama Triangle.

Where This Began for Me

I grew up in a home where silence spoke louder than words, and secrets were tucked into every corner. My family looked respectable from the outside, but inside, we carried chaos. I learned early on to read moods, tiptoe around tempers, and pretend everything was okay.

But the unspoken truth was this: I was ashamed. Ashamed of the disfunction, of the chaos and fights, of how hard we tried to cover it all up. I didn’t know how to ask for help or admit that I felt unsafe, unloved, or confused. So I smiled. I excelled. I became who I thought the world wanted me to be.

That childhood shame shaped my emotional blueprint. I struggled with trust, perfectionism, and a constant fear of being “found out.” Relationships felt unsafe, and vulnerability felt like weakness. For years, I thought I was broken.

But I wasn’t broken—I was adapted.

Understanding that changed everything. The shame didn’t begin with me, and it didn’t have to end with me either.

Earlier this year, before I offered my workshop "It’s an Inside Job, (link below)" focused on healing the nervous system and our inner chemistry, I had the gift of listening to Rich R at the Annual World Convention of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (www.adultchildren.org) on the 4th of April, 2025. His words about the shame cycle stayed with me, and with gratitude, I’ve drawn from his work to bring you this reflection.

What is the Shame Continuum?

Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably but they are not. Guilt says "I have made a mistake or done a wrong." Guilt can be due to an act done by you or that you participated in. Shame says, "I am a mistake and defective, something is wrong with me." Shame feelings can arise from things that happened to you or around you, with or without your active participation.

Shame doesn’t always show up the way we expect. Sometimes it’s loud and defensive, sometimes it’s quiet and invisible. But underneath it all is the same belief: “I am not enough.”

There are two extremes of the continuum which are:

🟣 The “One-Up” Shame Response (Dominant - Superior)– Trying to Be More Than

When shame feels unbearable, some of us cope by pushing harder: achieving, controlling, or appearing perfect. We try to stay one step ahead of being judged. This can look like:

• Perfectionism or the pressure to always perform

• Feeling entitled or frustrated when others don’t meet your standards

• Sarcasm, blame, or needing to always be "right"

• Numbing with work, control, or even substances

The inner voice says: "If I’m not strong, successful, or perfect, I’m nothing."

🟢 The “One-Down” Shame Response (Submissive - Inferior) – Feeling Less Than

Others experience shame as deep self-doubt or the belief that they don’t deserve space or care. This can show up as:

• Guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness

• Feeling invisible or “less than” others

• Avoiding conflict, saying yes when you mean no

• Self-destructive thoughts or behaviors

The inner whisper says: "I don’t belong. I’m a burden. I shouldn’t even be here."

Both patterns can lead to isolation, exhaustion, and disconnection.

Whether you collapse inward or fight outward, the root is the same: shame distorts your sense of self and keeps you from real connection—with others and with your own needs.

How Shame Plays Out in Relationships – The Drama Triangle

Developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle explains three roles we often play when we’re stuck in shame-based relating:

1. The Victim

"Nothing ever works out for me." You feel powerless or helpless. You may wait for someone to rescue you or blame circumstances for your stuckness. This often comes from a deep sense of one-down shame.

2. The Persecutor

"It’s your fault!" You become critical, controlling, or angry to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable. This may be driven by one-up shame.

3. The Rescuer

"Let me fix this for you." You feel valuable only when helping others, but often at the cost of your own boundaries. This can come from either type of shame.

Putting it Together

Each role (persecutor, rescuer or victim) is a shame-driven strategy: avoiding vulnerability by playing it safe and surrending to the inevitable defeat, or be extreme and controlling to create safety.

Typical patterns can be:

• Dominant / Superior → Persecutor

• Submissive / Inferior → Victim or Rescuer

Bottom line is: these cycles fuel stress, compulsive control, self‑criticism, addiction, broken relationships, and mental fatigue.

Important: You might switch roles throughout the day (and within the same conversation too) - especially in family systems that rely on these dynamics to avoid real emotions.

Therefore, you may fall anywhere in the continuum during the day, though one style may be more prevailing. (Before healing, I was dominant with people I could defy or could control and bring under my rule or influence, but I was submissive with people I needed to impress or who I feared. So you may need to learn to check-in with yourself various times during the day to see where you stand.)

What’s the Alternative? The Relational Middle

Between the extremes of “superior” and “inferior” lies a healing space—a place where you are not more or less, just you. We call this the Relational Middle or the Emotionally Mature Self.

It’s where you practice:

• Honest communication without blame

• Asking for what you need without apology

• Mutual respect and emotional safety

• Saying “no” without guilt

• Receiving support without shame

  
  

This is the space where connection heals what shame disconnects.

Five Small Shifts to Break Free from Shame Cycles

These are simple practices to help you step out of the triangle—and into your self-worth.

1. From Victim → Vulnerable + Accountable

Instead of spiraling, journal: “What feels overwhelming right now?” “What’s one small step I can take today?”

2. From Persecutor → Assertive + Boundaried

Speak with truth and care. Try: “I felt hurt when this happened. Can we talk?” Instead of blaming, name your experience.

3. From Rescuer → Compassionate + Respectful

Before stepping in, ask: “Do they actually need help, or am I rescuing to feel needed?”

Practice saying: “I’m here if you want to talk.”

4. From Superior → Grounded Confidence

Practice humility. Try: “I could be wrong. Here’s what I’m feeling…”Let go of the need to always be right.

5. From Inferior → Empowered Humility

Stand in front of a mirror daily and say: “I belong. I am enough as I am.” This isn’t cheesy—it’s neuroplasticity. Repetition rewires belief.

Why This Work Is Crucial in India

In our culture, many of us were taught to suppress our needs to maintain peace or uphold family honor. Saying "I need help" was often seen as weak, disrespectful, or even shameful. Cultural expectations in India often reward self-sacrifice over self-expression, pushing many into Victim or Rescuer roles by default.

This keeps generations stuck in silence.

Healing shame isn’t just about you. It’s about breaking cycles of emotional suppression that go back through our partitioned histories, fractured social systems, and unsaid pain.

Whether you are navigating mental health recovery, childhood trauma, or codependency, shame resilience can change your life.

Your Invitation to Begin

Healing starts not with a grand solution, but with one gentle truth: You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to change.

As Dr. Brené Brown reminds us:👉 “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” But with support, compassion, and tools like these—you are capable. You are not broken. You are becoming.

Final Words

If you’ve ever asked yourself:

• “Why do I keep repeating these patterns?”

• “Why do I feel not good enough, even when I try so hard?”

• “How do I stop fixing everyone else and start caring for myself?”

Know that these are not signs of failure. They are signs that your true self is asking to be heard.

You are not your shame story.

With support, you can write a new one. And if you’d like someone to walk beside you as you do—I’m here.

Warm regards / Shangreila

If you wish to share your shame story, write to me on : aatman.innersoul@gmail.com

Post script: This post incorporates frameworks I've used successfully in my practice as a psychotherapist who is aware of the 12 Step Work (such as Alcoholics Anonymous, ACoA / ACA, CoDA and other anonymous programs).  

Link for It's an Inside Job Workshop audio (free of cost) : https://shop.adultchildren.org/collections/audio/products/2025-awc-its-an-inside-job